Some of the kindest people in my life have said the hardest things. They hoped to cause a change, but instead caused grief. Maybe you have felt this way too. Whether it was a family member, mentor, boss or loved one—they say something to “Help” but they only cause hurt. Even if their words are true, their tone seemed to get in the way and cause a toe-stepping-catastrophe on the dance floor of life.
I have had those conversations that suddenly turned sour. Most of the time, I never saw it coming: when you love and trust the other person, you don’t have guards or defense tactics at hand, nor should you. But when suddenly they have a “few things they want to share with you” it can knock you off kilter and feel frustrating.
The way we say words is as important as the words we say. If a person’s tone stays critical, there is bound to be heartache for all those involved. The person on the attack may feel better because he has released anger and got things off of his chest, but the defender is defeated and eventually closed off to the words that are being spoken. Therefore, when we are giving criticism, we must make sure we are keeping these things in mind in order to have our heart heard:
1. Tone is everything. I’m sure you’ve heard it said that words are only 70% of what we say, the rest is in tone and body language. The way we say things is just as important as what we say. If our tone (or even the silence) is conveying frustration, anger, or a lack of outlook for my best interest, as the hearer, I am going to close down. We all do.
2. Don’t ask questions if you don’t intended to help find the answer. There is nothing like criticizing questions to turn a trusted relationship into a hostile court scene. It is unfair for you to corner a person who trusts you and lob loaded questions their way. No matter how angry you are, or how badly you want to prove a point, you must not begin a conversation with loaded questions. This will taken them off guard and therefore cause conflict in communication quickly. If you do this, the other person’s trust in you as a safe place will melt away like wax on a summer day.
If you have questions to ask, maybe to gain a clearer perspective before making a point, do so with care. Explain that you need to understand a few things before you give input. If they are not answering the questions well, offer to help find the right answers either right then or at another appointed time.
3. Assure them of your believe in them and you are longing to see their growth. In a conversation full of hard truth, give hope. Say things like, “But please know I want to help you with this…” or “a few small tweaks in this area will have a big impact, and I will be here cheering you on.” Let them know that you have their best interest in mind.
4. Set some clear “next time” goals and commit to checking back in or walking along side. The best thing you can do after a hard truthful conversation is to follow it up. If you go on acting like it never happened, you may only cause the hearer to lose trust in you (yet again) and forego any platform you had in his or her life. Set some goals and check-in points for both of you. Write them down and do what you commit to doing for the sake of their improvement next time.
Mr. Miyage was hard on Daniel-son in Karate Kid, yet he did these four things very well. Paul was faithful to do this with Timothy and others in the Bible. You can do this and have a greater impact than you ever expected to have by simply saying the hard things. Every mentor should give criticism with a “let me help you” attitude to have a lasting impact.
